Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Life isn't always fair, but it shouldn't cheat that much.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Alright this is the gene police. Out of the pool.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
If Julius Caesar spoke like Bob Dole:
"Julius Caesar came. Julius Caesar saw. Saw quite a bit. Saw
combat in Italy. Hate to bring it up, hate to talk about it. Saw
real spears flying. Conquered though. Julius Caesar conquered.
Got my dog, Emperor. Nice dog."
-- The Weekly Standard, March 4, 1996
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Maybe *we* are the true norm and all of *them* are outside our narrow tall bell curve.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day, hit him with a fish and
he leaves you alone
--Steve Modica
Men have long compared rats to humans and drawn parallels between the two
species, with no regard for the possibility that the rat might find
such comparisons odious.
-Robert Hendrickson
What you say may be boring and incomprehensible, but that doesn't make it true.
"Hey, this place has certain standards!" "I guess I'm here to lower them, then." - from the _Highlander_ series
"They're all dead." "What killed 'em?" "Bad manners." -The Stranger
A friend said he was into astral projection, but I told him he was out of his mind.
A chain is as good as its weakest mink.
Don't make it worse, it's Badenov.
Vicksburg 1993: Damn sure hot and the river is rising!
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me." - Jack Handey
"Pere Mersenne, obtenissez une vie!" --17th Century French schoolboy taunt
"We'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere... and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys." The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Stewardess: You'll find life jackets under your seats. In the event of a water landing, they will keep you afloat, unless you are seized by a giant squid, and dragged screaming beneath the waves.
Want a hot breakfast? Try Breakfast Napalm on your Rice Krispies! Brought to you by the company that made Agent Orange Breakfast Drink!
Rik: ...I wouldn't go round spilling the beans if I were you!" Neil: (gasp of horror) What do you know about the beans?!
Veteran: Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1991-1952
Served at the Royal Palidrome Society: Regal Lager
Sauve que peut (Save yourselves.)
I can't get the universe into my brain.
The Surgeon General had determined that mass quantities of alcohol tends to make members of the opposite sex more attactive than they are.
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is no relationship between theory and practice."
but as Gene Miya is always reminding us, the people who really know don't talk very often.
"Marketing -- where the rubber meets the sky."
But she was an odd number; and all alone, she could give the even numbers a bad time. -- "The Plumed Serpent", D.H. Lawrence
"Reality" is the only word which should always be surrounded by quotes. -Vladimir Nabakov
"Democrats...They think that all government is good; it can make you healthier, taller, improve your golf game... Republicans, on the other hand, think that all government is bad. Then they get elected to office and PROVE IT." - P. J. O'Rourke
We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of a lower standard. And since it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity. --letter of rejection from a Chinese economic journal
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss!
"Say George, I don't mean to interrupt, but there's a glowing red dot on your forehead."
They're not dead. They're just metaphysically challenged." - Crow T. Robot
"I always try to learn enough each month so I can say, 'Boy, I was pretty stupid last month!'"
Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples -- Rochefoucault
Information causes change, and if it doesn't, it's not information.
You're sitting in a seat: that's not information. The person next to
you has a communicable disease: now that's information.
-James Burke
Impending doom takes all the fun out of decadent living!
-Yako
Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an
infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy.
-- Albert Einstein
Tot aquarum tam multis necessariis molibus pyramidas videlcit otiosas
compares aut cetera inertia sed fama celebrata opera Graecorum.
With such an array of indispensable structures carrying so many waters,
compare, if you will, the idle Pyramids or the useless, though famous,
works of the Greeks.
--Frontinus, Roman Water Commissioner, 97 A.D.
The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling - Paula Poundstone
I am trying to find myself. If I should return before I come back, please ask me to wait.
May the wolves run by your side, not at your heels.
Trust in the force. Remember, like duct tape, it has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.
It's not denial; I'm just very selective about the reality I choose.
I am not suffering from insanity. I am enjoying every minute.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the restraining straps.
Searching for shade in the darkness of insanity.
You don't drool much for a crazy person.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
Remember. You can't make someone love you. The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in.
I have wrestled with reality for several years and I can finally say that I have won out over it.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
Hermann Hesse
The world is a madhouse, so it's only right that it is patrolled by armed idiots.
Brendan Behan
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and
is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
--Dave Berry
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying
attention to them.
-Susan Sontag
Just because you are paranoid does not mean that they are not out to get you.
That which you see watches you; that which you cannot
see, this also watches you.
-- Paranoid proverb
Sometimes reality is just a matter of perception.
This calls for a subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
- from _The Young Ones_
Elitism
It's lonely at the top. But it's comforting to look down upon everyone
at the bottom.
Motivation
If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you,
you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.
Procrastination
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
Meetings
None of us is as dumb as all of us.
Idiocy
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Apathy
If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.
Consulting
If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to made in
prolonging the problem.
Indifference
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take
any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
Mediocrity
It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference
until it's too late.
Cluelessness
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Despair
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Mistakes
It could be that the purpose of your life Is only to serve as a warning
to others.
Incompetence
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by
doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.
Some people feel that life is not challenging enough all by itself, and feel that they should make life more difficult for themselves since they have it so easy. The best way to do this, of course, is to major in physics.
You know you're an engineer if you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
The inability of snakes to count is actually a refusal, on their part,
to appreciate the Cardinal Number system.
-- "Actual Facts"
The MENSA Membership Hotline
The number you are trying to reach has been squared.
If you need assistance, please hang up and don't call back.
Theoretical Physicist, N.: A physicist whose existence is postulated, to make the numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in the laboratory.
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
-- Dave Parnas
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable sub-
human who has learned to bathe, tie his own shoes, and not make messes in the house.
--- Robert A. Heinlein
If we are going to stick to this damned quantum-jumping, then I regret
that I ever had anything to do with quantum theory.
--E. Schrodinger
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
Math illiteracy strikes 8 out of every 5 people.
An engineering major asks "How does it work?". A philosophy major asks "Why does it work? A sociology major asks "Do you want fries with that?"
Our science make terrible demands on the imagination. ...
The whole question of imagination in science is often misunderstood by people
in other disciplines. They try to test our imagination in the following
way. They say, "Here is a picture of some people in a situation. What do you
imagine will happen next?? When I say, "I can't imagine," they think we have
a weak imagination. They overlook the fact whatever we are *allowed* to
imagine in science must be *consistent to everything we know:* that electric
fields and waves we talk about are not just some happy thoughts we are free to make
as we wish, but idea which must be consistent with all the
laws of physics as we know. We can't allow ourselves to
seriously imagine things which are obviously in
contradiction to known laws of nature. And so our kind of
imagination is quite a difficult game. One has to have
imagination to think of something that has never been seen
before, never been heard before. At the same time the
thoughts are restricted in a straight jacket, so to speak,
limited by the conditions that come from our knowledge of
the way nature really is. The problem of creating something
new, but which is consistent with everything which has been
seen before, is one of extreme difficulty.
-- R. P. Feynman
The reason we want to fly an airplane on Venus is because it would
be way cool.
--Geoffrey Landis NASA Glenn Research Center.
Philosophy is what happens when you don't know enough math to hold a decent conversation.
There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, 'alf a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.
Jean Paul Sartre for Dodge Dartre:
In my journey to the end of the night, I must rely not only on the dialectical paths of reason. I must have a good solid automobile, one that eschews the futile trappings of worldly ennui and asks for only the most basic maintenance. My Dodge Dartre offers me this basic solace, and as interior parts fall off I am struck by the realization of their pointlessness. I may not know if the window is up or down. It is of no consequence.
Here is a short excerpt of Jean Paul Sartre cookbook:
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
Rick's head is just a raging sea of knowledge management and strategic thinking. That explains the gurgling sound.
Rick is cleaning the rest areas on the Information Superhighway.
That's Rick's Funeral
If your fond of mountain biking, that's your funeral. (That's your funeral.) Drown yourself while you're kayaking, that's your funeral. (That's your funeral.) Visualize your bones all breaking, organs scattered far. When the medics scoop you up, they'll put you in a jar. We want you to hurt your body keep your hobbies usual. That's your funeral. (Not our funeral.) That's your funeral.
We will no longer be killing baby seals for food or fur. We will be killing them for revenge!
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ...
I hate everybody, and you're next.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Thought for Today: Huh?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.
-- August Strindberg
When I see the vast, majestic grandeur of the universe, I realize how small and insignificant you really are.
This is not an idea to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Driver only carries $20 in ammunition.
Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities.
Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a window.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
No, I do not have delusions of grandeur and if you question my omnipotent wisdom again, I will have to smite you.
This file carries the Monty Python Heel of Approval.
Heaven is where the police are British,
the cooks are French,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian,
and all is oganized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German,
the cooks are British,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and all is organized by the Italians.
I am not young enough to know everything.
-- Oscar Wilde
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it is hell.
-- Harry Truman
I am your singing telegram. BANG! Thud.
When you think you know everything, they give you a Bachelor's Degree. When you realize you know nothing, they give you a Master's Degree. When you realize that no one else knows anything either, you get a PhD.
In the grim darkness of the future,
There is no peace, no respite,
only Tribbles!
You can't have everything. Where would you put it all? - Steven Wright
These are my opinions only, but they're almost always correct.
The two most abundant things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster,
and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you.
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietszche
"My Lord, If I attempted to answer the mass of futile
correspondence that surrounds me I should be debarred
from all serious business of campaigning."
- Duke of Wellington, 1810.
If I attempted to answer the mass of futile
correspondence that surrounds me I should be debarred
from all serious business of work.
- CJ
Terrierist - a person that teaches little dogs to attack people
Impending doom takes all the fun out of decadent living!
I like voting. It gives me a false sense of making a difference.
-- John Paul Vrolyk -- Canadian Federal Election on June 2nd, 1997
Art is not Truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize Truth. -- Picasso
Occasional chair? What is it the rest of the time?
Finishing a Ph.D. is like dying. You know everything'll be much better once you get it over with, but it's still so hard to do.
A scientist transforms a cat into a sabre-toothed tiger and himself into a neanderthal man; he is then eaten by the tiger. By no means as amusing as it sounds. -- Halliwell's Film Guide
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Copywight 1995 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Behind every successful man, there's a woman rolling her eyes.
Press any key... no, no, no, not that one!
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive (the damn thing blew up).
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
--Sam Brown
Lack of Planning (on your part)
Does Not Justify an Emergency (on my part)
--Ron Kerry
Will future ages believe that such stupid bigotry ever existed?
--Sir Brian do Bois-Guilbert, Ivanhoe
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which
is probably the reason so few engage in it.
-- Henry Ford
A recently retired ninja assassin now runs a small bed and breakfast specializing in service so prompt and subtle that guests often remark that they never even noticed their drinks being refilled or beds turned down.
"Bother," said the Borg. "We've assimilated Pooh."
Remember don't put any private/proprietary information, or I'll have to put on my security hat and come visit you!
Would that be the hat with the twin, air-cooled 30mm synchronous GAU guns mounted behind the propeller?
[ducks behind desk]
A gamers place in heaven is determined by his bodyguard in lead.
I want my life to have meaning!
You came to the wrong place.
--Dilbert
In discussing [terrorists], 'Capturing their hearts
and minds' only makes sense if by that you mean,
literally, capturing their hearts and minds and
putting them in mason jars.
-- Jonah Goldberg
Q: "Are they intelligent?" [of a bee-like insect]
A: "Together they are. Individually they're
stupid. The opposite of us, really ...",
-Terry Pratchett
Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice. Somewhere
else, the tea is getting cold.
--Dr. Who, Survival (1989)
I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
Alexandre Dumas
It is not true that life is one damn thing after
another - it is one damn thing over and over.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
When in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns.
- Raymond Chandler
Not as bad as you might have imagined.
- motto suggested for New Jersey by Calvin Trillin
If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.
Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music
played for soldiers before they go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
That was zen, this is tao.
aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes.
Served at the Royal Palidrome Society: Regal Lager
Q: How many consumers does it take to program a VCR?
A: 12 *blink* 12 *blink* 12 *blink*
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If it's only a game, why do we keep score?
If Yoda so strong in Force is, why words in right order put he cannot?
If you're burned to death, will the crematorium give you a discount?