What I have learned watching television and movies
If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
- Shooting would _not_ be too good for my enemies.
- I would not gloat over my enemies' predicament before shooting them.
- I would not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. Who cares?
- My legions of terror would have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not
face-concealing ones.
- The ventilation ducts in my ultra-secret, super-modern fortress would be too
small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped would be shot, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- I would never order my "trusted" lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me - I'd do that myself.
- The artifact which is the source of my power would not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It would be in my safe-deposit box.
- When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are
you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply would be, "Yes."
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will
you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him and then say "No".
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we would be married immediately in a
quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
which the "final phase of my plan" will be carried out.
- I would not include a self-destruct mechanism in my fortrss unless
absolutely necessary. If it was necessary, it would be very hard to
activate - not behind an ill-concealed wall panel hiding a large red button
labelled "Danger: Self-Destruct Mechanism".
- I would not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum of my fortress. I'd
use a Motel 6 well outside my borders.
- I would be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I would feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive.
- During my reign, it would be obvious that I _do_ know the meaning of the
word "mercy"; I simply choose not show any.
- One of my advisors would be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in a
plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- All slain enemies would be immediately cremated - not left for dead at the
bottom of a cliff.
- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my
organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to
any dress code.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other last request.
- I would never employ any device with a digital countdown. If using such a
device is absolutely unavoidable, I would set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 - just as the hero is putting his plan into action.
- I would design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist
to assist me, I would make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never
regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. I would also
have the 5 year old watch him.
Lessons learned from Horror Movies
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check
to see if it's really dead.
- If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was
once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia
or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is
other than their own, shoot them immediately. NOTE: It will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
- If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
- If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
- Do not take anything from a dead person.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you are doing.
- Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from the dead.
Lessons learned about computers from the movies
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- No one uses the space-bar - even when typing long sentences.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
governmental institution, will have an easy to understand graphical
interface. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based
command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands
typed in plain English.
- To gain access to any information you want simply type "ACCESS ALL
OF THE SECRET FILES" on the keyboard. In a similar vein, to infect
a computer with a destructive virus simply type "UPLOAD VIRUS".
- All computers are connected. Luckily, information on the villain's
desktop computer can be accessed - even if it's turned off.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that
forces you backwards.
- Even the a techno-neophyte can hack the most sensitive computer in
the world and guess the secret password in two tries. Also, any
"PERMISSION DENIED" subroutines have an an OVERRIDE function that is
usually not password protected.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data is
accomplished in a very short amount of time - usually under 3 seconds.
It is not out of the question for a movie modem to transmit data at
the speed of two terabytes per second, although eight gigabytes per
second is the norm.
- If a disk has encrypted files on it, the movie hacker will be asked
for a password when trying to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any
system you put it into. Also, all application software is usable by all
computer platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has; however,
everyone must be highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
- Even the smallest movie computer, have reality-defying three-dimensional,
active animation and photo-realistic graphics capability. In addition,
laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the
performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.