What I have learned watching television and movies

If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

• Shooting would _not_ be too good for my enemies.
• I would not gloat over my enemies' predicament before shooting them.
• I would not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. Who cares?
• My legions of terror would have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
• The ventilation ducts in my ultra-secret, super-modern fortress would be too small to crawl through.
• My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped would be shot, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
• I would never order my "trusted" lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I'd do that myself.
• The artifact which is the source of my power would not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It would be in my safe-deposit box.
• When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply would be, "Yes."
• When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him and then say "No".
• After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we would be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the "final phase of my plan" will be carried out.
• I would not include a self-destruct mechanism in my fortrss unless absolutely necessary. If it was necessary, it would be very hard to activate - not behind an ill-concealed wall panel hiding a large red button labelled "Danger: Self-Destruct Mechanism".
• I would not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum of my fortress. I'd use a Motel 6 well outside my borders.
• I would be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I would feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive.
• During my reign, it would be obvious that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show any.
• One of my advisors would be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in a plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
• All slain enemies would be immediately cremated - not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff.
• My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any dress code.
• The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other last request.
• I would never employ any device with a digital countdown. If using such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I would set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 - just as the hero is putting his plan into action.
• I would design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I would make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. I would also have the 5 year old watch him.

Lessons learned from Horror Movies

• When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
• If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
• When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
• Do not take anything from a dead person.
• Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from the dead.

Lessons learned about computers from the movies

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• No one uses the space-bar - even when typing long sentences.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some governmental institution, will have an easy to understand graphical interface. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
• To gain access to any information you want simply type "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on the keyboard. In a similar vein, to infect a computer with a destructive virus simply type "UPLOAD VIRUS".
• All computers are connected. Luckily, information on the villain's desktop computer can be accessed - even if it's turned off.
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
• Even the a techno-neophyte can hack the most sensitive computer in the world and guess the secret password in two tries. Also, any "PERMISSION DENIED" subroutines have an an OVERRIDE function that is usually not password protected.
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data is accomplished in a very short amount of time - usually under 3 seconds. It is not out of the question for a movie modem to transmit data at the speed of two terabytes per second, although eight gigabytes per second is the norm.
• If a disk has encrypted files on it, the movie hacker will be asked for a password when trying to access it.
• No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. Also, all application software is usable by all computer platforms.
• The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has; however, everyone must be highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
• Even the smallest movie computer, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation and photo-realistic graphics capability. In addition, laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.